FRIENDS ONLY

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shouldn't be a problem; unless you're a creepy stalker.

Welcome to my world.

 This is who I am, and if you don’t like it, too bad.
 
I am far from perfect. 

I’ve got blonde hair and blue eyes, but my hair is always a mess and my makeup’s always smudged. 
I love mess and chaos but I’m organized beyond belief and I’m never late for anything. 
I am one of the laziest people you will ever meet, but I will always put forth the extra effort required to make someone’s day. I’m a pessimist and an optimist all rolled into one. 
I run down stairs and fall up them. I like kissing in the rain, but it depends on who I’m kissing. 
There are holes in my tank tops from where I tore the tags out and I wear my jeans as many days in a row as I can get away with. I’m afraid of mouse traps, but not mice, and my life goal is something no one else’s would ever be. 
I don’t leave my house without makeup on my face and junk food in my bag. 

I am unique. 

I like having poetry written for me and splashing my friends with puddle-jumps. I wear pink Converse that are tattered beyond belief and the laces always come untied. 
Naps are swell, but even better when someone you love is lying next to you. I like going 48 hours with 8 hours of interrupted sleep, and I love going to bed and not waking up until 12 hours later. 
I drink too much Pepsi and I spend too much time eating, or at Tim Horton’s. I like to bite people.

I don’t know how I’d make it through the day without love.

 And that’s where you come in. I’ve realized that the world can’t be nearly as bad as it seems if the world gave me you. You look past my flaws and still love me. 
You tell me I’m beautiful when I feel like I’m not, and it makes the world look a little more beautiful because these days someone always has a problem with someone else, so when you find the someone who doesn’t have a problem with you and never wants to have a problem with you, you cling to that. 
I won’t ever let you go, just because of that.

 I am still me. 

As much as I’m going to trip and fall over cracks in the concrete and fall up the stairs and send my books flying, I’ll still have you. 
As much as I’m going to bite my nails and smear my makeup and get shampoo in my eyes, I’ll remember just how lucky I am to have someone like you who loves me with everything they can. 
So many people would die for what I have.
 They would die for who I have and for what I get to do with people who love me, and people whom I love. I tell you “Friends Forever” and I really do mean forever.
 I’m not sure how to live without you anymore. 

I love you. 

Thank you.

I am not who you think I am.
I am nothing like who you think I am.
Because I am nothing like who I was.

And that's the only me you care to know.

IT"S OVER.

high school is over.


LET MY LIFE BEGIN.

I’ll smile again the day that you figure out...

i'll never again love you outloud.

You said you wanted friendship.
So that's all that you can get.
You said you wanted happiness.
Well, good luck with that, you're on your own.

Delete from your list.
Block me, whatever.

You were my best friend for so long, and I can't believe that means nothing to you.
I never expected this, not at all.
You said some hurtful things, I spent today trying to hurt you.

You said some hurtful things, and then said "so how's it going?"
Who the hell do you think you are?

Why couldn't I have wasted my time with someone better?
With someone who wouldn't throw it all away in the end.
You don't have any idea what I'm feeling because you never cared enough to find out.

How can you say that you love me, but I don't love you, and so that's the reason we're not together?
How can you say that?

Love is patient and wise.
not jealous, never boastful.

Read up on it my dear.
Because you don't know what the fuck it is at all.

You make me sick. To think that I believed your lies, your miserable little tales.
To think I wasted over a year of my life with you, and even more than that missing you.

How could I ever miss you?

At first it was like, you didn't think anything had changed.
But everything had.
You stomped on my heart harder than anyone ever has.

Kyle, way back when, said "Angelica, I don't love you. I don't think I ever have."
After he told me he loved me for a year.

And yea, it broke me.
It fucking broke me so much that I'm still not put all the way back together.

You know how sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there will always be a piece missing?
That's how it was with me and Kyle. Kyle and I.

You didn't say it in those words, but I can feel it.

Maybe we were just holding onto a memory, but it was a damn good memory. 
and if it was a memory, stop saying that you love/d me.
if it was all over for you a few days before this, then why string me along in my little hell?

I've been floating around in these fiery seas for about a month.

The two people who were supposed to love me the most outside my family - my boyfriend and my best friend.
and i lost them both in a month.

can you imagine how that feels?
no. you can't.

you will never know how that feels, because you don't feel.
you never have, you never will.

kate, what the hell. your life with her, maybe you should go back to it. you deserve each other.
break up her life, just like you broke up mine, and then walk away unscathed.
you always do.
you'll get over it in a week.

i'm not even crying anymore. 
oh no.
now i'm just pissed.
i stopped crying when you said "it was over for me a few days ago"
that's when it broke me for sure.

you fucking liar.
you fucking liar.

rot in hell, or something.

rot in hell, or get over yourself.

yea, my life sucks.

but now yours does more.
because i'm not in it.

i'm an amazing person.
i've got friends who love me, a family who cares, and the strongest support system you could ever imagine.
they're the best.
you're not.

i deserve more than you.

i'm 17.

what the hell did you expect?
for me to spend the rest of my life with you?
for me to not question things?

just a dumb blonde with a dream she can't follow.

i know people think it.

well fuck them.
fuck you.

fuck this.


The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most
So I'll bite my tongue till it bleeds and I doubt you'll even know
The easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else
And I've been tricked for so long by you that

I spent these last few months in my own hell.

you can't become a reader, its just in you.

i read because if i dont, i feel  incomplete.

whenyou have more novels in your locker at the end of the year than anything else; when you cant leave the house without a book in one hand; when there's guarenteed to be a book in the car

thats when you're a reader

when you fall in love with every character. when someone names a title and you can tell them the plot line.

when you volunteer to read outloud in class because you cant stand to hear other people who dont know the words read.

when someone says "thats a good movie" you can tell them what it missed out of the book.

when you go to see  harry potter the day it comes out when you're 16, not for the usual reasons, but to see what they cut out from the book

when you cry because you lost a whole bunch of books in the basement flood, not because they cost a lot, but because of the tear stains on the page, the peanut butter smears on the crucial pages that you couldnt put down.

being a reader is locking yourself in a room for 14 hours to finish a 900 page book when you're 12.

being a reader is the tattered papers, corners folded down, book bridges battered and tearing.

when there's more bookshelves in your house than there are people.